Homemade Horchata - Or: A Giant, Tangy Pain in My A**

Whole lotta talk about horchata these days. And I like to be food-trendy. I do. So I bit. Grind some rice, throw in some almonds, cinnamon, water... let sit. Simple enough. And yet...

Why so bubbly next day? Smells a bit yeasty fermenting or some nonsense. Google searches for "fermented horchata" and "Can horchata ferment?" and "dangerous fermentation horchata" find basically nothing. So I continue. Blend it all up with a bit of sugar, more water and a dash of vanilla.

Yeah, it looks good, eh? Do not be fooled.

Then you have to strain that crap, which no one tells you takes five hours and yields a sicko-looking watery cheese whey product along with sludgy rice goo all stuck up in your cheesecloth.

And after all that hassle, the junk tastes distinctly tangy and, who knows, maybe even dangerous. Shut up, Vampire Weekend.